Grief

Grief. . . it's a topic I've wanted to write about for months, but it's a hard thing to understand.  Maybe because no two people experience it the same way.  Maybe because we're afraid we don't do it right.  Maybe because we don't want to face the pain of it.

We received a lot of information about dealing with grief even before Brendan passed away.  We learned about "anticipatory grief" and stages of grief and how kids might grieve.  It's one thing to read about it.  It's another thing to live it.

I figured that if we "survived" the holidays, we would have a pretty good understanding of grief and have made it past a significant milestone -- the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Brendan.  I'd always heard that the first year was the worst, and then it would get easier.  Now that we're here, I don't think I understand any more than I did before, and I definitely don't feel like things are any easier or will get any easier anytime soon.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Life is not all tears and sadness.  Quite the contrary.  We had a most amazing Christmas and a wonderful Thanksgiving get-away with the kids.  The happiness came because of the kids.  Being together as a family makes everything so much better.  We've all been through a lot together, and there is an unspoken understanding about what we are all going through -- together.  There is lots of laughter when we're together, lots of stories and remembrances of times with Brendan, and sometimes tears shed -- together.  That helps.

I'm learning about my personal journey with grief.  I'm learning to sense the heaviness that usually starts gradually and descends upon me about once a month.  I've learned to endure the days of physical heartache and mental preoccupation knowing that it usually only lasts a few days before the dark heaviness lifts once again.  I've learned to slow down during those times, not try to accomplish so much, and forgive myself when I don't remember what I was trying to do or where I was supposed to be.

In watching others who have suffered the loss of loved ones, I've discovered that grief doesn't start hard and fade slowly into nothingness.  Sometimes I see that later years seem to be harder than the first.  Grief seems to come in waves, not in predictable ebb and flow patterns.  Getting blindsided by memories is the hardest -- when a song that meant a lot to them plays on the radio as you are driving home, or you come across something in the store that was their favorite thing, or you are sorting papers and you find a note they left you last mother's day.  Those things kind of knock you off your emotional feet.  If you can see the memories coming -- Christmas, birthday, cancerversary -- you can usually brace yourself for the hit.

Of all the material we were given about grief and grieving, I've found this picture book, "Tear Soup" to be the most concise and comprehensive way to understand grief and some of the misconceptions about dealing with it.  It's good for kids and adults.  It's a must read for everyone who knows anyone going through a loss -- and for anyone who wants to understand how to help others going through a loss.  The reference section at the end is especially helpful.

I see so many dealing with the grief of Brendan's death in their own unique way.  Brendan's life affected so many people.  It's solace to my heart that so many remember Brendan and love him enough to grieve.