"Doubt Not, Fear Not"

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 -- Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Fear.  I didn't realize how much of my life during the last 10 months was filled with fear.  Constant, muscle tightening, energy-sapping fear.  Fears of fevers, fears of bleeding, fear of infection, fears about Brendan's future --how much pain would he endure?, how much damage would his body sustain from treatments?, what would his long-term future hold?, would he ever marry?, would he every be free from medication?, was the medication causing long-term damage?, could his kidneys recover from the chemo treatments?, would the cancer return?, would Brendan die?  So many questions, so few answers.

Pillowcases that were made for each family member.

The last week of Brendan's life brought some answers but a lot of fear as well.  How long would he suffer?  What would his final moments be like? What regrets would I have?  

Thoughtful gifts from the Summer's and Hancey's.  So meaningful.

Only after Brendan slipped happily away from his mortal body did I realize how much fear I had been holding on to.  While I had faith that all would be according to Heavenly Father's plan, I didn't know the details and I worried.  Being free of the unknown has left me lightened and relieved of the nagging fears of the past year. 

Early in Brendan's treatments, as he went through surgery and into radiation, I wished I understood more about what to expect and pleaded to know what was in store.  I figured if I knew what was coming I wouldn't worry so much.  Oh, how glad I am now that I didn't know what lie ahead.  So much of what Brendan went through would have seemed like more than we could bear.  But survive we did.  

When Brendan's pathology came back indicating that the cancer had moved to the bones, I started to pray to know what lie ahead, but quickly decided I didn't want to know.  "A day at a time" was our motto throughout treatment, and I figured the same motto would get us through his final chapter as well.  It did.  

I don't know if I could ever have enough faith to "Doubt not, fear not."  I did doubt and I definitely feared greatly.  Thankfully, Heavenly Father taught Brendan -- who taught the rest of us -- that God is in charge.  He will allow trials into our lives, but he will certainly carry us through.  I've learned to trust more, doubt less, and fear less -- maybe someday I can "fear not."

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Kim reminded me today that I forgot to add one of the stories I shared at the funeral when I posted his Life Sketch.  The story I shared was this (with more detail):

A few weeks ago, Brendan was bleeding and we couldn't get it stopped.  Eight hours of nosebleed was concerning and I emailed Brendan's Care Coordinator at Primary Children's Hospital.  She called Logan Regional Hospital and arranged for a bag of platelets to be given to Brendan.  We were called and told to hurry into the hospital. As I pushed Brendan out the door, I was hurriedly giving directions to the other children at home about what needed to be done while I was gone.  (We never knew just how long it would take and if there would be any other complications.)  I told Brendan to get out to the car -- (It was difficult for him to move very fast so I sent him on his way while I grabbed things we would need.)  As he slowly climbed into the car, I reached around him to put his seat buckle around him.  (He was too weak to buckle himself up.)  As I leaned over him, he let out a sob, wrapped his arms around my neck, and cried, "I'm SO sorry!  I'm sorry you have to do this for me!  I'm sorry I take so much time away from the other kids!  I love you so much!"

Of course, I broke down myself and cried with him.  I assured him we were all happy to help him and we were so sorry he was bleeding and would all do whatever it took to help him feel better.  I also told him how much I loved him!  

That hug means everything to me now.  Because of the pain in Brendan's bones, it was very difficult for us to hug him or even touch him much.  We stroked his head and rubbed his feet.  Those were two places that didn't hurt him to touch. So I will treasure that hug forever.