On This Day of Joy and Gladness

This is Sarah. Mom says her creativity is shot, and I have too many ideas swimming around in my head, so she's bravely giving me free rein, and we'll see if anything intelligible comes out.
My mom wanted this title, which is a song that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings. It's been playing through her head all day, reflecting her joy at having most of her little chickens at home and together at church. (Sorry Loren and Rachel, you are also important chicks in our family I'm sure, but we can't all be the favorite child--we all know that's Chris). But in all honesty, this day has been such a happy happy day for us.

 We all went to Sacrament Meeting, armed with a pillow for Charlie to rest on. I'm not technically a member of that ward (I've lately mostly abandoned my student ward in Logan) but I love love love going back to the Paradise family ward. I honestly think that ward is the closest thing to being surrounded by heavenly angels. My whole family is so surrounded by love from all of the wonderful people there. At the end of the meeting, Charlie was mobbed by everyone coming to say hi. All his friends from his primary class ended up just making a circle around him in the cultural hall, and they just talked the whole Sunday School hour. The teacher finally passed the roll around the circle and called it class.

 Fan club

 Waffles for breakfast -- and Charlie's lunch.

"Power Packing" the calories -- butter, syrup, and whipped cream on Charlie's waffles.  So, what we want to know, is why does it seem everyone but Charlie is putting on weight?

 Church wore him out. Good thing he had time for a nap before visitors.

Charlie just keeps responding to everyone who asks--with his head cocked (out of necessity) and his eyes wide--"Ooh, it's just so much better to be home!"

After church we had family, friends, and ward members visiting, chatting with Charlie, playing games, having helicopter races, and bringing so many goodies! He's so happy to see everyone.

Meanwhile, I can't push down the trepidation that keeps rising from my stomach up through my esophogus at the thought of radiation and chemotherapy starting. Today I'm definitely feeling the closing of the first chapter of our lives with cancer and I'm waiting nervously for the next chapter to begin. All considered, chapter one went miraculously well for us. The fact that the cancer hadn't compromised the brain tissue, that they could save the right eye, that they were able to get the meningitis infection under control quickly, that they amazingly didn't damage any important nerves or vessels during the neck dissection, that through it all we haven't lost any cognitive function, it's all just such a blessing.

And speaking of blessings, I have so much gratitude that I really want to give vent to. I can only truly speak on behalf of myself, but I have been so incredibly blessed by the humans that surround me. I shouldn't try to list all the wonderful things people have done for me in case I miss some, but I'm going to anyway. Primarily, I've felt the power of so many prayers for our family. I've eaten so many meals and treats that people have provided, both at my parents' house and at the hospital. The nurses, doctors and techs have brightened my days with their positive attitudes and help--it's hard to feel helpless to do anything to treat cancer, but these amazingly skilled people make it feel so much better. I've slept under deliciously fuzzy blankets that have been brought to the hospital. I came home from Europe to notes and gifts from my roommates and friends. I've been given clif bars, hummus, and cans of Coke (anyone who knows me knows just how much a blessing that is to me). I've had incredibly understanding professors and group project members who give me the benefit of the doubt when homework is just the last thing I can handle. I've gotten warm hugs. I have so many people who are willing to just listen to me talk about the latest update, or what Charlie said the other day, or what I'm worried about.

Mom putting the antibiotic in Charlie's port.

Our family has been so blessed as we all shift priorities. The social worker told us the first week at the hospital that it isn't just the child that's diagnosed with cancer, it's the whole family. That is so true. It's stopped us all in our tracks in some way or another. As we adjust and learn how to move forward in this new and strange world we've been dropped into, I personally have looked at life in a whole different way. My priorities have dramatically changed. When Charlie was diagnosed, I was in Europe, on scholarship, networking with multinational corporations, doing research in world renowned libraries, hiking the Alps, and in every sense just living the dream. Cancer has a way of making all of that meaningless. All of my dearest dreams of the future, and all my hopes of success have changed. Where something like "glittering international career" used to be, I've finally started to realize that being with my people--the ones that love me and the ones I love--is the only real path to a happy life. This sounds so cliche, and I know that so many of you already know this, but if you know me, you know that this is an actual revelation for me.

We all say "I love you" so much more often now.

So here comes chapter 2. My mom would end the blog here (well let's be honest she would have ended it a long time ago) with something about moving forward bravely. But since I'm not her, I can get away with saying that I'm terrified. At least I hope I can. My mom is so much better than me at finding joy in the moments that come, and facing life with optimism. She is so brave. But I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of Charlie losing his huge gorgeous eyelashes. I'm afraid of him losing his hearing. I'm afraid of his little 67 pound body getting any skinnier. I'm afraid that I'm going to fail a class and that I won't even care. I'm afraid of what radiation may do to his brain. I'm afraid of things that I'm too afraid to even talk about.

This is where I'm supposed to end on a happy note. Maybe she'll come back before she posts this and put that part in.