On the Wings of Prayers

Saturday, July 23, 2016

 I wish I could not write tonight, but my heart is too full and the words keep pushing out onto the page. . .

I snapped this picture of Brendan's peaceful face this morning as the sun began to dawn and the light hit his face.  The night had not been peaceful.  Brendan was restless, hurting.  I prayed to know how much longer he would have to endure the pain -- how much longer we would have to endure the pain of watching him in pain.  As the light began to change subtly in the room, we sensed a change.   Brendan's racing heart began to slow, his struggle for breath began to ease.  His face calmed.  I felt he would not be with us much longer.

 Trying to anticipate what the end of his struggle would look like brought all of us a bit of anxiety.  How would we handle it?  How would it look?  Could we bear the pain of it?  But then it came.  Slowly.  Not as easily as I would have hoped.  "Dying is hard work," the nurse explained later.  But Brendan made it.  And the peace came that he was finally free of all the suffering and all the pain.

Today has been beautiful.  There is a spirit about life -- I've felt it nine times over as each of our children have been born.  And there is a beautiful spirit about death -- it's an integral part of life.  Understanding that we move from this mortal realm into a spiritual realm brings the comfort and peace as the Spirit testifies to us that Brendan is in a better place and that someday we will all be together again.

What a kind and merciful Heavenly Father we have.  He gives us the peace and understanding that this life is just a preparatory state -- one in which we prepare to meet God.  And Brendan prepared well.  We have commented many times today how Brendan grew up and matured in the 10 months since he was diagnosed with cancer.  He went from a young boy to an experienced, thoughtful young man.  What a teacher pain is.

How do you spend the rest of the day when someone you love is gone?  We looked at pictures and reminisced about good times with Brendan.

 We enjoyed the tokens of love others brought today.

 The kids wondered if it would be appropriate to continue with the archery activity they had planned for tonight.  I smiled.  Long gone are the days of black clothing and mourning out the prescribed number of days.  What better way to celebrate Brendan's life, than to keep on living!

 Many kind and thoughtful gestures were made in our behalf today.  Food was brought, flowers sent, and lights were hung in Brendan's trees.

 Personally, I've felt lifted and buoyed up on the wings of all the prayers uttered in our behalf today.  I  can't feel sad yet because I'm so grateful Brendan is out of pain.  I'm nothing but happy for the time he and I shared this past year.  So many difficult experiences, yet so many blessings.  I'm so grateful for Brendan!  So grateful for all the lessons I learned from him.  So grateful I could be his mother for 12 short years.

I know each of us is going to grieve in our own personal ways.  I think the journey ahead may be as rocky as the road just behind us.  This journey hasn't ended -- for us, we are still en route.

Thank you, my sweet Brendan. You taught me a lot.  Till we meet again!