Remembering

Having a holiday weekend over which to plan a funeral has slowed things down quite a bit.  I was grateful we were told that there was no hurry, we could take all the time we needed.  That took a lot of pressure off of me when it seemed like we needed to rush things.  (Of course, the last 10 months have felt like a rush, so I'm sure I thought that was still the norm.)

Today CNS (Community Nursing Service -- and can I just mention how wonderful they are!) came to pick up all of the supplies we had been using for Brendan.  The feeding pump, the hospital bed, the oxygen tank, and the chairs went out the door.  I think the only thing that gave me some pause was the feeding pump.  Brendan had nicknamed it "A Pain" and we have had it since Thanksgiving.  Every night since (except for Brendan's last few days) we hooked up his "feeds" (formula) and turned it on to feed Brendan overnight.  It has become such a routine that I still start for his supplies every night before bed. 

Last night, Rachel, Maddy and I were remembering stories about Brendan.  I asked Rachel to write her memory down so we could share and she graciously complied:

Rachel blogging

"Rachel, come play basketball (or baseball, or a board game, or what-have-you) with me!"
"I can't, Charlie, I have work (or homework, or bed, or what-have-you)."
"You know, Rachel, one day, you're going to look back and regret not spending this time with me now...."
Dramatic sigh, huff, roll of the eyes, whatever, "uh-huh yeah sure," and usually I'd give in. Just for one round of lightning, or one short game, or a couple throws of a baseball. And he'd complain again when I went to leave, but he was usually smiling. So it was worth it.

And so went Charlie's very favorite guilt trip.  It almost always worked, and I'm glad it did.  When he was first diagnosed with cancer, this was one of the first things I remembered about him, and as I searched my heart to figure out if I did have any regrets, I was almost surprised to find that I didn't actually have that many.  In all honesty, I don't remember every game of basketball we played, or every time I spent an extra five minutes with him when I could have been doing "more productive" things. But I do know for a fact that it strengthened our relationship (and also my patience).  And the more I gave in, the easier it became.  The more I enjoyed it.  Now, it's almost impossible for me to say "no" to Aaron when he wants to do something, because I know that time is the most precious gift we can give to anybody, even when it's family.  Especially when it's family.

Rachel and Brendan on May 13, 2016

Of course, part of me wishes that he were still here to guilt trip me into rubbing his feet, playing a game, or just laying with him and talking.  I wish he were still here to tell me that work is not as important as spending time with him is.  Those are just things that I'll have to remember on my own now. But I'm sure that in those moments when I want to tell Aaron "I'm busy", I'll hear a little Charlie voice saying, "you know, Rachel, one day, you're going to look back...."
As much as the guilt tripping drove me crazy, I know now that it was the best gift he gave me.

So next time that persistent little person asks, say yes. I promise it will be worth it.