Full Circle

Today we came full circle.  Brendan's attending doctor and fellow came to talk to me.  They purposely avoided taking me to the small conference room where we've had hard conversations before and instead, took me to the treatment room where we could talk privately.  There, they told me the pathology reports of Brendan's bone showed that the esthesioneuroblastoma cancer cells were found in his bone sample.  That caught all of us by surprise.  Experienced doctors -- the best at what they do -- all thought (and communicated to us) that it did not look like cancer.  (Well, at least now we know why Brendan's leg is hurting so badly.) 

Maybe in a later post I will have the words to describe how the world crashing down around you sounds and feels.  But I don't have those words today.

 My biggest and immediate concern was how to tell Brendan and how to break the news to Shaun.  Not sure I could keep my composure with Brendan, they gave me a few minutes to gather myself, then we all went to the room together to talk to Brendan.  Dr. Fluchel gave Brendan the news in a way that only a doctor who loves working with kids could.

"Drat," Brendan said.  "Drat!  How could it be?  Everything was pointing away from cancer."

Brendan has handled this all amazingly well.  He joked with the doctors.  He asked thoughtful questions.  Then later, he yelled into his pillow.  "Why me?" he asked.  "What did I do to deserve this!"

 The rest of the day we spent forgetting.  We watched "Hotel Transylvania 2."  Brendan practiced using the walker.

 This afternoon we went to "Sophie's Place" for some music therapy.  Brendan played the ukulele and we sang, "Lava."

 I have a dream I hope will come true
That you'll grow old with me and I'll grow old with you
We thank the earth, sea, the sky we thank too
I lava you
I lava you
I lava you

 Today I beat Brendan at foosball.  (Ok, so maybe I had an advantage since he was stuck in his wheelchair.)

 Then we went for a walk in the hope garden.  They were just planting flowers and setting out the fairy houses.

 We checked out everything in the playroom that interested Brendan and enjoyed just being out of the room for awhile.  I was impressed with how well Brendan was holding up and how well his pain was being managed.

Tonight Grandma Swan came to visit, as well as friends and hospital-mates, Jeni and Henry.  It's so nice to be surrounded by good friends and family.  Thanks to everyone for the messages today of love and hope.

Now, we've reached full circle.  We have another cancer diagnosis and an appointment for radiation on Tuesday.  Only this time we have much fewer options.  Since the cancer grew while Brendan was on treatment, we don't know what will work against this cancer.  The radiation can kill the cells on Brendan's hip and give Brendan some pain relief, but since now we know the cancer can move, we don't know where else it may show up.  And all those spots on his bone scans?  The experts just said they were bone infarcts.  But since they also thought the lesion on his femur was a bone infarct, we don't know how widespread this really is.

With so many unknowns, I've had to rely more and more on my Heavenly Father today.  And he's been there to lift and support me.  The fear is gone and I know we can make it through this next challenge the same way we've made it through up until now -- with lots of faith and prayer.

(If Brendan's pain stays controlled overnight, we may be able to come home tomorrow. )