Brendan's Story: Feeling. . .

It’s a pretty humbling feeling to feel so . . . everything. The extreme joy of sending Brendan back to school. The fear of having him “on his own” for the first time in 6 months. The relief at seeing some semblance of “normalcy” return. The sadness of having to cross out “none” on his school medical questionnaire and wonder how much to write in the blank lines. All of these emotions swept over me in less than an hour.

Over the years I have pondered the words in the Book of Mormon describing things such as a “hard heart” and being “past feeling.” On the other end of the spectrum is the description of the joy of Ammon that was so great that “he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength. . .Now was not this exceeding joy?” (Alma 27)

The experiences of the last 6 months have helped me better understand some of this. I’ve realized that pain and suffering and struggles can help a heart become “soft” if you let it. Or “hard” if you let anger, hurt, and resentment take over. A soft heart definitely “feels” more. Hard hearts are “past feeling.” The softer the heart, the more we feel. I’ve also learned that the height of the feeling of joy is in direct correlation with the depth of sadness we experience.

We have definitely felt the highest highs and lowest lows the past 6 months. The highest highs are spectacular, the lows have been the most difficult of our lives. At times our hearts have hurt to the point where we didn’t think we could stand the pain. Other times we’ve felt like our hearts could not contain all the joy. Fear has often been our companion, but the sweet peace given of the Holy Ghost is indescribable. A most blessed gift — an added measure of gratitude —has been a welcome addition to our lives. Our hearts have definitely been stretched.